Repressed

My whole life, I have been repressing my feelings, thoughts and inner voice. Sometimes, it is so that I don’t cause problems. Other time, it is because I felt that my self worth is insignificant. But most of the time, it is because I am a people pleaser.

After my last relationship ended, I realised how little I treated myself. If everything that happen in life is to teach ourselves a lesson then this failed relationship is probably happened to teach me to treasure myself.

The person that I chose cared for me and treat me with much respect. Took care of me and put me above everything else.

But, the longer we are together, the person that I chose changed drastically. I was too blinded in love to see how she was towards me. I held her too high up in my head that I couldn’t even trust myself and my intuition. And me, I feel like if I do everything that she like, she will love me the same way again. So, I give in to her demands more and more until I lost all my self worth.

The longer we are, the more I believed in her manipulation. I believed that I was an over thinker and insecure. I believed that she was always right and I was always accusing her.

But, the illusion she casted on me was shuttered the minute I found out who the next girl was. It was the one I always have the most doubts about. And thats when I know, I wasn’t the crazy one.

That was the moment when my eyes were opened. I was never overthinking because I know what I saw. I was never insecure. Just that she is making me insecure with her actions. Follow by gaslighting and manipulating to make me believed that I was the one with so much problems.

Ever since this relationship is over, it makes me very scared to have another relationship again. What if I chose someone that I think is the right one but I turn out to be wrong. What if I was in the wrong relationship but too blindly in love that I chose not to see the red flags.

I am repressing my feelings once again. I told everyone I am doing great. I am healed and I am over her. I said “Old one must go to make way for new” to show that I am ready for someone new.

But the truth is, healing not so much done. But I am really over her because I don’t want to be back with her again. However, the idea of new relationship, scares me.

I am just repeating I am okay to everyone who asked. Because I felt like if I repeat again and again that I am doing okay, I would be okay.

Healing is not always linear. From time to time, I get attacked by the suppressed emotions and felt the void in myself.

May be because I am not facing my problems face on. After all, even writing them down makes them feel very real. So, I find ways to distract myself. Picking up new hobbies, travelling solo to countries just so that I won’t have time to process my emotions.

But as soon as I have free time, my thoughts came in my mind. My emotions hit me like a truck. So, I have finally decided to face them straight on.

Writing has always been a way for me to cope. To let out my repressed thoughts. Whenever I write the emotions down, I always felt more calmer and composed.

That’s why I will be doing a lot of writing here until all my wounds are healed. I love that I have a place to released my repressed emotions.