Current status, in relationship.

Yes, I am in my very first relationship ever. People at my age, at least date more than once before. But I am the exceptional case. Turning 21 soon and 8 days before my birthday, I got myself the first boyfriend.

He actually confessed to me on 8th June and that time, I was caught up in the moment so much that I am very sure I like him the same way too. He’s two years younger and from a different country. Reasons why I felt very lost.

I didn’t want to lose him because we have been messaging every day for nearly one year. I feel attached to him probably because we have been talking about anything and everything for so long. At the same time, I am not sure about actually dating him. I cried because my frustration evaporated in that way and I panicked in my room all by myself. All because I don’t want to hurt any one including myself. But most importantly, I didn’t want to make a decision which I will definitely regrets afterwards.

After back and forth thinking for 2 days straight, I actually ask him whether we should date because I would really hate it if I miss the timing just because of my hesitation over age gap, long distance relationship and the trauma that I have about relationship. We promised that we won’t let any one know of my relationship until 6th monthsary. Because I am quite sure that after 6 months, we will have more stable relationship by then.

But now, 5 days into the relationship and I am not sure whether I really like him the same way anymore. I actually regretted not taking more time to reply to him because now, I am not sure about my feelings anymore.  That time, I was so positive that I could make through the trial 6 months peacefully. But now, I am just hoping that something will come along and wreck my relationship away. And that, I will be single again.

I started to have these thoughts after I talked with him about when he started liking me and stuff. Then, it also makes me think when I started liking him. He actually started caring for me so much after this guy friend of mine, appear in my life. Let’s called my friend T. This actually makes me think that he just wants me because he was trying to win T. Because honestly, I don’t even think he likes me to begin with. And me? I started to like him after countless kind and considerate acts that he did for me, after T appeared. Because I am a sucker for good acts and caring actions.

All these things make me realise, may be I wasn’t in love with him to begin with. May be I just didn’t want him to leave my life. All because he is so damn nice to me and no one has ever been this nice to me before. I think i was probably confuse the kindness that I felt with love. May be I didn’t love him. May be I am just in love with his thoughts that he spare for me and the care that he spoilt me with.

Damn. I feel so twisted and terrible for wanting a reason to break up. Wishing that he will dump me and break my heart instead. Because, if one of us need to have a broken heart, I want to be the one who get it instead. I wish my heart will become too broken that I will never go in relationship again. All because I am not ready for this relationship shits. He is insecure. He always suspect that I will actually ended up with T and break his heart. But no, I am just so done with a relationship. It is not about who I am with. And most likely, even if we did break up, I don’t think I will ever tell T that we broke up. Unless he is super obvious for T to notice.

I feel like I am pretending to like him now and I hate myself for this. If I could turn back time,I want to go back to when he confessed to me for the first time. So that I can turn him down nicely and properly. But now, I am just a twisted girl who’s waiting for him to break my heart.

Please let me be the one with the broken heart instead.

-emo girl signing off-


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