Decision

All my life,  I am known for making wrong decisions and having wrong instincts. May be the only thing I did good all my life would be making good friends. Like…  Really good friends. I am blessed with having friends who literally top in the friendship goal list. Or you could say I am pretty much spoilt by my friends when I need it the most. May be that’s the reason why I don’t think being in relationship is necessary. Because I already feel enough love by them. 

You see,  my life is turmoil ever since I graduated. I had my times when I was so broken and lost. I usually didn’t know how to look for help because I have always been facing them alone. And after graduation,  there comes the days where I felt the void inside me only grow bigger because of all the pressures and expectations. So,  I just talk to some of my friends what I am going through without making it super serious. I talk about it lightly as if I am trying to crack the joke. Because,  that’s me. I don’t know how to tell people how I am really feeling without sounding like it’s a joke. I can’t express how much deep shits I am in without trying to sound funny. There are even days when I am cracking jokes in text but in reality,  crying till my eyes fall out. 

But I am thankful to people who can see through the cover that I am putting up. 

When bad things come,  they always come together. At this point,  I just want to believe that bad things happen for a reason. And that,  something even better is coming my way. May be because a part of me want to believe that everything is gonna be alright while the rest of me crumbled into pieces. 

I am so sick of brawling my eyes out every night and day. Even when I talk about my problems,  be it be blogging,  or texting to others about it,  I could feel myself holding back the tears from falling. Part of me doesn’t want to look weak. While the rest of me just want to be assure by people that everything is gonna be fine. Because I think I am at my most vulnerable state now. Every little things can touch me or breaks me apart. 

This job is slowly killing me. I felt really incompetent sometimes that I just wanted to stop existing. Yup. Sometimes,  my thoughts went to that much extend. I don’t even know why I am still holding onto this job anymore. 

I hate myself for having suicidal thoughts. I still think it’s pretty stupid to have these thoughts when I know there are people still care for me deeply. But sometimes,  I just can’t help but wants to take the easy way out. 

So ya,  if it wasn’t for my friends,  I would have chose the easy way out of life. The only thing I did right is saving my life. But I don’t know how much longer I can hold up this sanity. 

-Emo girl signing off

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