Bad. I ended up making some bad memories today. Bad mood because of the friendship that is going to be sour because of me pretending to be the bad one. Taking blame for others once again. I just don’t know why. I tend to make my impression bad by taking blames for people that I like. And it happens once again.

So, we planned on a trip. From the beginning, I only wanted to go on a trip with just my bff and I have no idea why she ask others to come along too. And here comes the problem, she doesn’t want to go with the guy that she, herself, asked to come along. And I am stuck in the middle of them.

The guy is closer to me compare to her. We shared a lot of secrets and he treats me with all the respect that I think I deserve. I really like him as friend and respect him for all the things that he achieve in his life by his pure hard work. We talk to each other everyday and recently, we have been talking about our trip together. And about how much we are looking forward to it.

But well, things doesn’t always go in smooth way. My bff wants to cancel the whole trip if he is there. Reasons being her mom’s permission and the freedom that we will miss if he came. If this is how it is going to turn out, she should not have invited him from the very beginning. Then, we would be happily planning by now.

What now? He kept asking me about the date and tickets. And just today, I found out about her not wanting to go with him. I am being torn apart between them. It is poking on my guilty conscience. And I didn’t want to pull out at the last moment on him. It would be an ass move. Frankly, I felt really lost. Honestly, I am on the verge of tears and I just have no idea what to do. I can’t  handle this kind of situation well. I don’t know how to reject people. And above all, I don’t want to make my bff looks bad to him. I love them both the same way and I don’t want people I love to be fighting with each other. It might sounds cheesy but it’s the truth.

So, I came to the decision. Of taking the blame all on me. It is me that couldn’t go on the trip with him. It is me who pull out on him. I am the bad one. I put that all in the long message that I send him. That I am the problem.

I want him to explode on me. Instead of him blaming on himself for not having good friends. I am the bad one so pissed off at me. Throw your nastiest word at me. Please don’t think that you are the one with the problem. After all, this is my ass move to make you hate me. My selfishness. Because I don’t want people I love to be fighting with each other and hate each other.

But I didn’t consider the fact that my white lies might be even more painful to him. After all, the pain is usually not cause by the people you are not close to. Real pain comes from the people that you trust. Be it be betrayal or this.

I felt so terrible right now. Is this how I am going to lose a friend? I really like you very much. Please don’t hate yourself. You are worth it and I am sincerely sorry and apologetic.

-emo girl signing off


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