Option

Option. To be honest, am I even option to people around me. I think I am always the last resort. Like there is a pair project and all your friends  are taken. So, you go with the last person available. Well, ya, that last person is me. When they are left with no option, only then they realize, there’s still me.

So, I have given up, on thinking that I could be someone’s first choice. Because I never was and never will be. Sometimes, just sometimes, when I thought I would be someone first choice just because I put them first and we knew each other longer, it seems that it wasn’t the case. Let down after let down. Feeling betrayed. Used and thrown away. I am only first choice when there is no one familiar left at their side. And when someone new comes along, instantly brush aside as if I didn’t exist in the first place.

Anger. Betrayed. Then there comes a feeling of emptiness. And Repeat again when someone new comes along again. Happen too many times that makes me wonder whether I was the real problem. May be I was too boring. May be I just wasn’t interesting enough. And negative stuff like that just comes into my brain without invitation.

Every single time, I thought it would be different but same cycle repeats again and again.  May be this is the reason why I can’t block off the negative thoughts. But if I was the total bore and the problem, I rather have no one than someone who stayed then left me.

Because I don’t feel bad if no one came by me. But I felt like a total loser when someone left me. Not because I have romantic feelings towards them. It just sucks that someone who is by you ditch you for someone new. AND only comes back when they left.

That feeling just sucks. Friendship is about both side trying but what it is called when I am the only one trying. When someone new comes along, I don’t want to admit that it is my complex to think that they are leaving me for them. So, initiating after initiating. Trying to ignore that I was actually ignored when that person is there. But everything has a limit. And now, I see no point in trying anymore.

I mean what’s the point of you coming back to me again when you are going to leave when someone new comes along?

Honestly, it was a mistake. Knowing you was a mistake of my life. You don’t deserve me.

-default last resort signing off

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