Broken

Guess I am back to the blog again. Which is not positive thing at all. The blog that I only wrote when I am feeling down and need somewhere to escape. The blog which I can lock away the feelings. And guess what, there are some more feelings that I need to lock away today too.

Screwed up. I always tend to screw up in relationship and don’t even know where and when I mess the whole thing up. Relationships… as in, friendship and family I meant. There is no one who thinks of me as their favorite. It is kinda sad, isn’t it? May be I push away too much. May be I am not likable enough. May be I hold too much things to myself. I am not sure either.

Just that… I screwed up a lot. I am pissed at my friend and I don’t feel so good about feeling pissed at her. I just felt so unfair. It is not that I see her as a person who can only help me in study but I just can’t help but felt pissed when she kept hurting at my pride. Although I might not be good at coding and I play game a lot, doesn’t mean that I didn’t contribute in the group work at all.

It might be true that I am depending too much on her since she is in my group. But that doesn’t mean I don’t plan to contribute. I want to help her as much as I can. It hurts my pride that she kept saying as if I didn’t contribute anything at all. It hurts even more because when I ask for her help, she doesn’t even give me as much fck as she give to others who are not even close to her.

Wait. Now that I think about it, am I even close to her? I don’t even know anymore. This is bugging me and I felt so annoy. May be because I care too much. Or may be because I love my pride too much. I don’t even know how I am feeling anymore.

May be I just feel super upset and down because my feelings and pride are hurt. I felt betrayed. I don’t even know what to feel anymore. My mind is shutting off. I have test tmr and I haven’t even study yet. But you see, when I felt down, i don’t feel like doing anything anymore.

Today is just too stressful for me. Days like this, I would escape from reality. By going to the visual reality world. But guess what, my game partner left me for another person. There are quests to complete for two of us. But he still left anyways. It felt funny. Because we knew each other for so long but he immediately left me for someone new. Some friends I got huh? Feel so shitty now. I can’t even make a visual person stay with me. Such luck.

Guess, I don’t mean anything to anybody in the world today. Will people even cry for me when i m gone? I doubt so. Depressed and it’s depressing. I felt like there is something that is squeezing my heart now. My tears are on the verge of coming out. But I just can’t cry. They just doesn’t fall. I feel so suffocated. Chock up by all these feelings. That’s when I realise, I have no one. No one to tell my things to. No one that I want to talk these about. I don’t know. I need someone but I just don’t know how to ask them to be with me for today. Or days like this. I don’t think I make sense now.

I just felt like…

Nothing is right and everyone has left me.

-emo girl signing off

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