Ashamed

I think I am pretty much the black sheep of the family. The one that they want to hide away if they could. The one that is not mentioning. I could care less and get numb to it.

But just sometimes,  I will get high hope from one good thing or compliment that they give me.  It’s like one little good thing can make me forgot all the things that they had done to shame me.

Previously,  I might have mentioned before. Being born in the family where both parents are the youngest really suck. If you are the older one in the family.  That’s it.

My mom,  is the youngest among all the 6 sibilings. All her memories of her childhood is about being bully and getting shamed by her older siblings. Being treated invisible by them and that she did not have any one to play with.

My dad. I wasn’t sure about his childhood because he rarely talks about it. But from the obvious point of view, I can see that he get cheated on by his siblings.

And there’s me. The one with no authority of being the oldest. Constantly shamed upon by others.

Being oldest, there are expectations that one need to follow. Need to be the best so as to be the roldmodel for the younger. From the discipline to the studies.

It’s tough. Even more tough for me because I am not studious type of person. If anything, I m more of a social person.

I could get along with any given person at any given time. Adults like me more because I always know how to hold conversation with them. Bosses,  colleagues and friends. They tend to like me more  because I was more outgoing compare to my sis.

But this society doesn’t work that way. This is the society which cares about the qualifications and study more than they cares about what makes you who you are.

I am constantly compare with my sister on the studious part. Yes,  I know I wasn’t as smart and as hardworking as her. That’s the weakest link that I had. My mom doesn’t say anything about me not being able to achieve.

But,  the truth is,  I know she’s ashamed of me when others boost about their own children. I am the mistake that she wants to hide it away.

My sis think that I am embarrassment as an older sibling because I don’t know half of what she knows. And it’s true. I don’t.

And today, I mispronounced a word and my sis shamed me. She said I m an embarrassment and it’s shameful. It really hurts. Like rubbing it into my wound. My soft spot. I felt so embarrassed that my tears just fell out. And I break down in front of my mom n sis. I quickly went to the bathroom before more tears flew out. And guess what?  After I came back from toilet, they are laughing about stuff. They don’t even ask whether I am okay. They don’t even care about my feelings. It just sucks overall. To be invisible. To not receive any attention. Not that I was expecting them to be.

It is pathetic to just rant on about how pathetic my life is here,  in this blog. But I feel like I might break if I did not tell to anyone. Because even the lock away feelings need somewhere to lock into.

Black sheep,  signing off….

 

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