Older

Being born into a family where they favor the youngest more. Give their love. Attention. Everything that they can ever give more to the youngest. Fairness is a  word that doesn’t exist in my dictionary ever since I was young and naive.

Just because I was 2 years older, I am expect to understand things that she will never understand when she is my age. I am expected to be the mature one who needs to do giving in and giving up on some stuff that I wanted it so much. For example, love and attention. It is so clear to see for my dad case. How he puts my sis over me. The way he treats her. Texts that I can never get the reply to. She gets it all. Things that I could never do at my age, she could do them all. For my mom would always claim that she was never biased. But she is as well. The better thing for my sis. Siding with my sis when we fight even if she was wrong. Sometimes, it makes me so alone. Cuz everytime, I will be alone against them all. And guess what? Majority wins.

My position as a older sister doesn’t exist. I don’t have an authority to scold her when she was wrong and correct her to the right way. She wasn’t even scare of me or respect me as an older sister. Why? Because no one has ever sided me anyways. All the fight that we had, I will lost. Get scolded. Or even ended up as a fight against my parents.

What did I do so wrong? Is it so wrong to fight when I am right? Am I suppose to take in all her insult and provokes? What am I? I am not a saint or a god. I can’t be that understanding all the time. I want what’s mine too.

I am so numb to all of this unfair treatment. After all, it has been 18 years. Ever since she was born. Till now. I used to feel so jealous of her. Cuz she has everything I could never get. She is everything I could ever ask for. But when I grow older, I was so numb that it doesn’t even affect me anymore. Or at least that’s what I think.

But no. I was so wrong. Today, we fought again. The reason? Because she kept reading my private messages. Reading it out loud. Then we fought. Then guess what? My mom almost hit me. She had this hand raised against me. Ready to hit. If I didn’t say, are you planning to hit me? She would have hit me. I would get hit although she was the one in the wrong.

Seeing my mom raising up her arm, gesturing to hit me just broke my heart into million piece. More than scared of being hit, I was utterly shock. I know that she is always biased against me.  But I would never thought she rushed to where we are fighting and even planning to hit me. Emotions rushed in and the next moment I know, my tears are streaming down my face. They are just dripping down like the water gushing out from the broken pipe. I can’t control it. My cheeks were totally soaking wet. But my mouth…. Nothing came out from my mouth. I couldn’t speak. My brain can’t think of a come back or a retort. I was just there, looking at her with tears spilling everywhere.

Older doesn’t mean I will get hurt lesser. Older doesn’t mean I will be more understanding. At the end of the day, all I could see is the love that never comes to me and the favors that she gets. The feelings are hurt and the heart is broken into pieces. Tears that are spilled and wondering whether it is all worth it.

You can’t blame me for being so detach from my parents. They had detach me ever since she was born. Sometimes really makes me wonder whether I am adopted.

 

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