Future

Future. Something that is never solid to me. It becomes even more vivid after I came to Singapore. Isn’t it funny and ironic? I came to Singapore to make my future brighter but it became even more vivid and darker instead.

Looking forward, I can’t see myself doing anything. The more graduation is getting nearer, the more I am facing the reality. Going university? Which? Are my results good enough to make it in? Probably not? Entering into working life? Will I even get the job? I am not sure either.

Everything is just so confusing and depressing to think about these days. I kept trying to occupy my mind so that I won’t think about something that is going to be happening in the near future. But it is useless because every single day I go for intern, I will surely think of this more than one time a day. I talk to my mom about the worries that I am having these days. But guess what? The more I talked to my mom, the more restless I become.

My mom will be going back to Myanmar next year. Well, I always knew that this day will come one day. I am prepared to be in Singapore with my sis. But guess what? I will probably be left alone in Singapore. Because my sister will either go to university and live at the dorm there or go back to Myanmar and continue her study there. Either way, I will be living on my own. All alone. I really hate this idea. Even thinking about it puts me into a bad mood.

Why did I think that everything will sort out fine once I reach Singapore? Why did I even come to Singapore? Why did I insisted on going Singapore to study? Why am I always so reckless? These are the frequent thoughts that I am having these days. All the passion, fantasy and excitement I had about Singapore has died down long time ago. It has burnt out. And so am I. Barely surviving and living through every day in this foreign country with nothing familiar to grab onto.

No matter how many years I have been staying here… No matter how much people I get to know here… It is just not the same. There is this empty hole in my heart that I can never stuff anything with. I felt empty inside even with my mom and sis here. I can’t imagine a life without them.

Sometimes, I just can’t help but regret the decision that I made back then. May be I shouldn’t have come here after all. So many things I had lost but so little things I gain in return. Was it all worth it? I am not sure either.

Going aboard to study. It sounds really cool and stuff. But in reality, it is not. I am sure it will be the same no matter where. After one month of staying, I swear your fantasy will break into pieces. Because it is not easy to be living in a foreign country where everything is just that unfamiliar.

Next year. Everything will change. When I say everything, I meant every single thing. New friends, New house and new environment. No matter which path I decided to take, everything will still change. And I will be left alone for real.

How I wish I could freeze my time now. I know that I am turning 20 soon and I should be more independent but what can I do? I am not that strong as I seem to be. And I am not that distant as I portrayed myself to be. Definitely not independent at all.

Still have no idea how I will survive in this country all alone. I guess it will all work out some way or another. Sometimes, just sometimes, I just felt like quitting everything once and for all. Just disappear like I never existed.

How do I stop every negative scenarios that is appearing inside my brain? Is there no happily ever after solution. Reality sucks because it is always different from what you have always imagine.

The biggest regret that I have ever had? My decision to come to Singapore. Why did I decided to quit my school recklessly when I am not even sure whether I will pass the entry exam? Why did I tried so hard to persuade my mom and dad so that I could come here? Everything that happening now is just an after mess from my unreasonable decision.

Some days, just some days… I really would sit there and wonder how my life would be if I never step into Singapore. One thing for sure, I won’t lose as much as I did now. Another thing is that I will never have a chance to meet some people who are in my life now. Life has always been this way. Give you something in replace for another.

So, Future, where will you bring me? What will you give me in return? Because I think I know what you are going to take away from me.

But why is it that the more I grew older, the more the void in my heart grows?

-emo girl signing off