Father. A person that I loved the most when I was young. I admired him for being able to do almost anything and I looked up to him as a hero. To a child, fathers are like a super hero. My father used to be that way and I really wanted to grow up like him. Although… I am a girl.

Being tomboyish and stuffs… To be honest, I was really a daddy’s girl. I didn’t even like my mom that much. Partly because Dad and I have so much in similarity. I think I inherited most of my traits from my Dad. Both good and bad I guess.

We both have a lot of pride. Never show the weakness and cover up the flaws. Love travelling and making silly memories at random places. Same humors. Similar habits including eating habits. Some of my relatives say that I am like a little replica of my dad. Talkative, sociable and knowing exactly how to hold conversations. I hate to admit it sometimes but I took after my dad.

When I was 7 or 8, my dad went oversea to expand his business. During those days, I would fight with my mom because she talked bad things about dad. Defending him. Admiring him. I regret them so much because now… I think he deserve them.

And one day, age of 10, learning something about him just shattered me. As much as I like him, all those love turned to hated. Pure hated.

At 11. He came back home after so long. When I saw him, my longing for him came back and I cried. But I could never speak to him the same way again. I don’t want my mom to get hurt again.

Until now, I can’t talk to him normally like I did when I was young. If possible, I rather not talk to him

Part of me still long for him. When other kids are having fun with their father. Doing things together. Hanging out together and how their father spoil them. I wanted it too. When I was young.

It is so funny because I don’t know how many times I fought with other people because of they badmouth about him. But now, when I heard compliments about him from others, I feel disgusted.

That’s why I don’t want to use his money at all. If possible. Knowing how he earned them. I don’t even want to touch them. Hopefully, I will get a permanent job soon so that I can stay clean from using his money. I just want to graduate very soon and dive into working world.

And a part of me wants him to come back. Wants him to stop doing that job. But I know my dad is so much like me. So, I know he will continue with it. He just had too much pride. Just like me….

-emo girl signing off


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