Initiating every conversation that we have. I am getting sick of this. Conversation are suppose to be hold by two or more people. Not just one person trying so hard.

You started our first ever conversation. And I continued with them. We clicked well. Or at least I think we did. Had endless conversation till late at night. Couldn’t bear to sleep because we didn’t want the conversation to end.

But now… I initiate almost all the conversation. Trying hard to lengthen them. What happen to us? What happen to you? Are we always like that? No. I know clearly that we used to be so close. Yet…

I want us to become like last time again. Greeting when we see each other online. Leaving the long messages when we haven’t seen each other in awhile or want to tell something. But now… We barely talk. The conversation gets shorter. The replies get slower. And dies down along the way.

How many years of friendship we have that it crumpled up this easily? We knew each other since 12 and now I am 19. 8 years of friendship. Yet this new year… I realized it had ended and I was the only one left thinking we are still close.

Now that I think back… It had been over for quite awhile, hasn’t it? Those endless conversation had ended since 1 year back. All that left is me trying to make conversation with you. All my useless effort. One sided struggles.

I gave up once. But after 6 month… You came back and talked to me like nothing happened at all. So, I thought you might have a handful of things. I tried to understand. I tried to become close again. I did. Because I really miss our friendship.

But it wasn’t the same. The cycle came back. Me initiating again. I am getting sick of it. I wonder if you even care… even a little for me. Don’t treat me like someone you talk to when you are bored. I am not a comedy to keep you entertain.

It is really painful to realize that I hold close to nothing in your heart. New year passed. I held myself back not to send you any message for new year. Because I want to know whether you care. Whether you remember me. But no. Not even a message dropped by. Forget about the call… I can’t even see an emoji send by you. I didn’t want to accept it. But that’s when I know that it is over. It is time for me to face the truth.

I won’t fool myself again. It is so hurting to trick myself into believing that we will be the same again. Because reality sucks. I suck too. For trusting you.

Don’t come back to me with the causal message. I won’t entertain you any longer. Get out of my life. Now, you are my past.

-emo girl signing off


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