I created this blog to post how I really feel and think without hiding anything. I will frequent only when I feel extreme emotions.
And I am blogging quite frequently now. This is not a good sign. I am becoming too emotional. In a bad way.
Stress. One of the factor that contribute to my regular blogging.
The more days passes, the more stress I build up. Project works. Deadlines. Friends. Kind of funny, right? Friends make me stress. Not because I don’t like them. Just that sometimes I feel like I can’t act like myself in front of them. I know I should dropped the mask but I just can’t.
To be honest, I can’t even remember who is the last person that see the real me. It has been so long. Indeed. I had a tighter mask after I came to Singapore to study actually.
Being flexible. I am. But in order to fit in more, I needed to put quite a mask. For example, forgiving nature and anger management. I don’t like it when someone provoke me or insult me. I take those to heart no matter how trivial they might seem. I get angry easily when I get an insult that I didn’t deserve. And I have a lot of pride in everything that I do.
Ever since I come to Singapore, I have been putting up with those. Insults. Throwing away my pride. It hurts. May be it is just me. Because I seriously think fitting in is important. In the foreign country with no one to rely on. My childhood friends are not with me. My family can’t help me in everything. It is a lonely struggle. I needed and still need someone to be my side. Even if I had to put on this mask, I will because I don’t want to make myself feel more lonely than I already felt. My friends would laugh if they see this because they will think it is not like me. But this is me. I care too much. About things that don’t even matter.
Now. I still can’t find someone I can relax with. Is being alone better? I wonder how those people who are alone without friends really feel. Are they happy? All by themselves?
I am stressed. Days like this, I just want to talk to someone that cares about me. Like my old friends. The first guy that I liked before. Or someone that could boost my energy.
Where are they when I need them? Probably sleeping? This sucks. Midnight thoughts suck because you are the only one awake and over thinking while your friends are sleeping comfortably on their warm and cozy bed. I am the only one who is thinking.
Depression hits me so hard that I don’t even want to open my eyes and face the reality. Instead… I just want to close my eyes and escape to the dreams. Sleeping away would be nice now.
But I can’t. Deadlines are chasing me. My works are waiting for me to complete them. My report is asking me to fill him up. My team mates? They are just hopping that I will finish the work without exposing their unfinished work.