Knowing

It is so damn hard. Just to be me.

Want so much things in life.

Tried so hard to make them mine.

Give it all my best.

But still could not accomplish anything.

It is like I finally learn that hard work does not always pay off.

Sometimes the effort are wasted.

The feeling of sadness and helplessness overwhelm me and make me feel smaller than I had ever been.

Depress because I could not secure a job for holiday.

Depress because I could not pull up my grades again.

Depress because I could not memorize my notes.

Sometimes, I felt so much emotions inside that I would just sit down and stare.

No thoughts in my mind.

Just staring.

Because one part of me feel that no one will ever understand even if I put these emotions into words.

Another part of me feel that I am not expressive enough.

But I hope people understand that not good at expressing does not mean can not feel anything.

I am having this tough time only because I can feel it.

No one will ever understand how difficult it is just to be me.

Because nothing works out fine in my life. Not even once.

Yes. My dad has his own company and I am not fond of him.

What you will never find out is that he has another family. Beside us.

Since you did not know this, you will never understand why I hate my dad and misunderstand me as ungrateful child.

It is not that I hate him from the beginning.

It is just that my longing for a dad and love for him has turned into hated over time.

Yes. I love money.

What you did not know is that I felt disgusted with myself every single time I use his money.

That’s the reason why I chase after money.

It is not because I think money is the everything.

It is just because.

Yes. My mom is excellent fashion designer.

What you did not know is that how much she took out the stressed on us especially me since I am oldest.

Since you did not know this, you will never understand why I rebel sometimes.

It is not because I want to be rebellious.

It is just explosion of feelings that I buried surfacing once in a while.

I don’t hate my mom for this.

Because I understand way too much since young age.

I will always end up finding out things that people want to hide.

I know all, may be a large portion of what my mom went through.

Although I am a heavy sleeper, I know that she cried every other night in the room by herself.

Although I acted blur, I had known about my dad affairs ever since she found out about it.

No. She did not say it. I just found out.

It is like I don’t even need to try to discover those.

That’s what making me so depress.

Because I understand and know way too much for a kid of my age.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I just want to go on a trip.

That would make me forget about everything.

Enjoy the moment with the people I love.

Take a break from all these bull shit in life.

But in order to do that, I need money.

See? It is repeating again.

Need a break from shitty life. Go on a trip.

Need money to go on a trip. Work.

Need job that will hire me. Find it.

They would not accept me. Take a break.

The never ending circle of my life.

I don’t know whether it will get better.

My future seem very dark.

I have no idea what I want to achieve in my life.

I don’t know what can save me from this miserable and shitty life.

Those people who say their future is dark, did not know that the future darker than theirs exist.

After writing this, I just feel like breaking down.

But I can’t.

Because I have too much responsibility on my hand.

I can’t break down.

Not now.

Not soon.

More like I never can.

And sometimes, knowledge is not power. It is poison.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s